For the past 4 years I've had a constant fixation on the idea of a relationship, and the person that comes along with that. This cycle has gone on since the beginning of 2020, when I first considered relationships as an option. Since then, of course, I haven't really gotten too into them. I've seen many begin and just as many end within the last few years. This has been a contributing factor to why I've stayed away from them.
Have I made mistakes? Of course! I've put myself in situations and, months later, struggled to get myself out of them. A terrible example would have to be the entirety of 2022, where MANY MISTAKES WERE MADE. The events that went on back then are complicated and require an entire log of their own to go through, so I'll save those for another time. The point I'm making is that a relationship is absolutely not what I need to solve my problems. How do I know this? Let's take a look at January 2022. The things that happened weren't entirely in my control, but they happened regardless. I ended up in a situationship with someone who I shouldn't have been talking to, which led to more problems being created than problems being solved.
Since then, I've stopped myself from getting too invested in anyone I talk to. I will say things have been more boring, but not being tied down by someone is incredibly freeing.
Despite my best efforts, I find myself stuck in this cycle. An anchor, finally released from the ocean. Yet what I failed to realize was that there are multiple anchors, keeping me tied down and preventing me from leaving. Anchors are heavy, and they sink. As soon as I release one, another has sunk back down into the sand and I'm back to square one.
Although I was able to put a 3 year long problem behind me, another one returned. One from 2 years ago. Someone who I haven't spoken to in a long time, returning to my mind after so long. Why?
This cycle seems to have no end. However, hopefully staying away from relationships will eventually release these anchors from the ocean, and I can return home safely.
Today was just one of those days. One where absolutely nothing happens and, honestly, I'm fine with it. I had planned to do more today but my mind chose to push it forward and leave it for myself tomorrow to deal with. Chances are, I won't do what I need to do tomorrow, either. Maybe over the weekend? Probably not. This unfortunate cycle plagues my mind every time I have something to be doing. There's a few things I've been putting off doing, like finishing my assignments or catching up on records, and I need to do them, but I don't know when I'll get around to it.
This is also a perfect way to describe how I've been feeling. I've already written about this but it's far too personal to publish here. To summarize it, I was able to move past something that had been holding me back for 3 years. An anchor, finally released from the ocean. It took much longer than I expected, but regardless, it had to happen at some point. After everything was said and done, I felt great. I was content with the point that things were at, and I was ready to move on.
Unfortunately, the problems began and they continue. Five days later, I'm now feeling like a glass. Whether you see it as half full or half empty, I am neither. Instead, I'm filled with a feeling of emptiness. Why?
I think the answer to the question "why" is simple. Winning is too easy. I spent 3 years chasing this goal of mine, to put the past (then present) behind me. Now that I've reached that goal, what is there to achieve? I've climbed the mountain, and now I have a bit of time to think about the journey, but at the end of the day I have to go back down.
All this is to say, life is better described as a series of journeys, rather than one journey itself. From this point forward, I plan on setting interesting goals for myself, so I don't spend all my time living in boredom.